I am (unreliably) informed there was a TV programme airing recently with this rather instructional title. Fairly sure I saw a version of it a year ago or thereabouts, doubtless while avoiding some essay or other, and have decided in my moderately tipsy state to post my views on the subject. A brief reflection first of what I recall from the episode I saw - which involved finding a fairly hefty wench, convincing her by means of Scary Pants and vast quantities of make up that she really wasn't quite so hideous to behold after all, and taking a photo of her that notably excluded the lardier portions of her anatomy. This photo was then projected onto some London skyscraper or other, and men dragged off the street to inform the delighted lass that, 'yes, she looks good naked'. I think the gun in their back and the fifty quid being waved at them by the director probably had some influence. As a result of this TV programme, the UK is doubtless littered with men being terrified by their female friends lumbering around the bedroom in all too non-existent negligees, shaking their booty, and threatening all sorts of things involving whipped cream and handcuffs. Shudder.
Anyhow - here is my brief and highly effective guide to Lookin' Good Naked.
Men - you just can't. Although obviously being something of an admirer of the toned male physique, most rational females will agree with me when I say that a naked man is a thing of ridicule. Ways around the issue? Leave the boxers on (if you wear y-fronts, sorry, you are beyond help), or alternatively, whisk your other half into the shower where - unless your hair does something really dodgy when wet - you will potentially enter a God-like state. Glistening skin is a Good Thing. And waterfalls are better than showers, if available.
Women - through much trial and error, I have discovered how to take photos that leave out the bad parts and focus on the good parts. Cellulite an issue? Easy: just go to your photo editor programme on the computer, and click the 'chalk and charcoal' option, thus your photo is transformed into waves of shading that will disguise even the dimpliest of dimples. Furthermore, there's a fine line between looking Miserable and looking Sultry - a black and white option generally speaking adapts it appropriately, I find. (B&W also dramatically reduces the appearance of spots, by the by).
Unfortunately, sigh, all men can't go around with watering cans poised above their shirtless bodies, and all women can't present themselves as a black-and-white blurred photo. My only suggestion that bypasses the trials and tribulations of this harsh judgemental world in which we live: leave off seeing the other person in all their 'glory' for long enough for it really not to matter what the hell they look like to the rest of the world. There aren't any tricks or ploys that can be used to make you Look Good Naked - knowing that the person you have fallen for is tearing off your clothes not to ridicule but to learn you by heart should be indication enough that, frankly, you're Pretty Damn Fine.
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3 comments:
Oh Janey, what a post to author when your mother is visiting. What would she say!
I myself found it amusing, and shall post my own thoughts on nakedness--thoughts even chaster than yours, probably--at the first available opportunity. And the gesture.
Ah ha, I may have been tipsy, but even then managed to achieve a level of decorum suited to my blog.
In fact, am fairly amazed. I remember writing a section on Lardy People but appear to have deleted that. Probably as well. Would have been sued by the greater portion of the UK (haha, 'greater portion', damn but I'm witty today...)
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