Dating Hints and Tips

A friend has suggested I head forth to Birmingham in a few weeks to attend a 'Singles Event'. I would like to point out that I have never graced such a place with my presence, and to do so would be merely out of speculative interest rather than because I am - yes, I'm saying it - That Desperate. Honestly, if I'm ever reduced to actually going to these events with the serious intent of finding a guy, you have my permission to hunt me down and shoot me.
Some will regard that as an overly unsympathetic attitude towards the poor sods who genuinely need assistance in the ol' Dating Department (and frankly enough have commented of late that I do to make me begin to think about worrying. Four years to go and I'll be a Speed-Dating Addict, I'm sure, retracting all my negative barbs in favour of remarks along the lines of, 'it is refreshing and scintillating, an opportunity to meet a diverse range of characters.' Hah).
Anyway, I'm diverting from the main point of this post. Which was to analyse - and mock, of course - half of the 'dating tips' provided by these, well, dating companies. I can't believe there are groups actually making money out of the misery of singletons, but there we have it. Dog eat dog world in which we live. 'You are single - must be something wrong with you. Come get a date! And here is how...'
1. 'To be very approachable women should stand with their feet no farther than 6 inches apart with toes pointed slightly inward'. Dammit, that is where I've been going wrong. Think I allowed my clodhoppers to stray more than seven inches apart on occasion (banish those dodgy thoughts all of you), and pointed inward? With no intention of offence here but doubtless causing it somewhere, I wasn't aware that looking like a retard was attractive.
2. 'Studies show that men associate the scents of cinnamon and vanilla with love. To make the scents work for you, try baking some ready-made cinnamon rolls about an hour before your date arrives'. I am genuinely curious to know how many women read this and then rushed out to their local Asda to purchase the necessary comestibles.
3. This is from a guide men can purchase that assures them 'any man can get any girl'. The whole thing is compiled implying a relationship is the goalpost but: 'How to get into one-night stands with ease, and get out of them even easier, should you need to - without anyone getting hurt.' A woman has created this masterpiece, apparently. I am unable to comment due to being in state of shock.
4. 'Have a good think about what your dating goals are and timescales. Do you see yourself married within 2 years? If you do then approach dating accordingly. ' How on earth can you 'see yourself married within 2 years' when, by the sound of things, you aren't presently dating anybody?? Essentially, this tip ascribes to the view that people are merely commodities and only have to fulfill a few essential roles (typically: attractive, intelligent, GSOH) (Good Sense Of Humour to those of you untrained in the mystifying language of singles ads). Wow.

I could go on but it is thoroughly disheartening looking through all the websites. I know people who have rejected others because 'she is pretty but she didn't go to university' (obviously, only intelligent people go to university. Come on, who thought otherwise?). People who gave up the whole thing because 'she doesn't have the same taste in music'. Couples who broke up because the guy 'looked at other girls the wrong way'. Which begs the question, is there a right way? If the guy looked in total disgust at all other females, surely that would be rude, embarrassing, and grounds on which to register a complaint leading to breaking up.

I've been accused myself of being overly fussy. Personally, I see nothing wrong in rejecting someone because either a, they have no interest in me other than as a sex object, b, they think that getting battered in a nightclub equates to a Good Night Out or c, they make endless sweet remarks like 'I'm so proud to be seen out with you' while forgetting the fact that I would rather slit my own wrists than head forth into the night with them again.

Anyhow. Next time you see a six footer standing in the middle of the room (demonstrates confidence), wearing an approachable smile (not fixed grin, of course), clad in dusky pink (to bring out my skin tone) and scented with vanilla (to attract all men within a ten mile radius), nodding her head in a feminine but firm way (indicates she might be remotely interested in what you are saying) and of course, constantly reassessing the distance between shoes - that could well be me. On the other hand, it could be a rather sad individual with the personality of a tube of toothpaste. Your call.